Be that strong girl that anyone knew would make it through the worst, be that fearless girl, the one who dare to do anything, be that independent girl who didn't need a man; be that girl who never backed down.
My health started to get really worst when few weeks passed, I heard some nurses saying that my state when I first came in the hospital was even better than my state right now, and I would not tell them but I made it on purpose. I could not live healthy knowing that it is practically because of me that a person died, I did not want to be healed when I did not deserve it, I only wanted what I am willing to have, pain, suffering, and struggle, that is what I have to pay for my neighbour's death and I would. I would say that I even deserved to pay it with my blood, I tried to but I got caught, I was haunted by the dreams or it is more described as nightmares, they got harder and harder with the time, I could not sleep peacefully anymore and I wanted to die because of that. I could not handle the pression of those nightmares, they were unlivable and that would make me trying to leave this world. Yes, I tried to committ suicide, I wanted to do an overdose by abusing of my medicines, I was going to die, it hurt as hell but it was what I derseved to do, at a close second I was going to end up my life but eventually, right before I got too consumed doctors came and saved me. I did not want to be saved, I did not want to leave on earth again, I wanted to be released by those dreams but I tried everything and nothing would work out. People began to worry a lot about me, they began to worry too much I believed, they would enter in my room by a group of four or five in case I attempted to do something dangerous again, they would ask me questions everyday like if I was doing okay, if I needed something or stuff like that, I would answer to do their f*cking work and leave me alone. I was really depressed, I could not control my words but even if I regretted my way of acting so aggressively when they are trying to help me and get me healthier, I would not excuse myself. A thirty years old man now had to come everyday to make me doing a therapy, he was there trying to help me, trying to teach me lessons of life and trying to get my memories back, but I would not listen to him and keep my mouths shut. My head hurt like hell and I knew that if I wanted back my memories I would have to make a big effort, which I did not want to do and so he came everyday trying to talk to me, to start a discussion but I would not care and let him talk in the air. For one week, I think, he stopped coming to see me, there was not much of a difference by the fact that I would not even pay attention to him so it did not affect me, but then he returned back, and not alone, he was accompanied by an young man, I would say around twenty-four years old, who looked really excited and touched. I looked at him carefully, he had dark eyes and hairs, like mine's, he was thin but had muscles and his eyes would not get away from me, it did not really make me uncomfortable but if I knew him I would maybe told him to not be that creep. There was complete silence in the room, few minutes after the therapist left the room surely thinking that he should let us alone. With no sign of hesitance the man said: "I'm so happy to see you again" He had a look as if he was going to cry but tried not to, but what did he mean by 'again'? I did not even know who he was and there he was, standing in my room saying how much he is happy but I could not tell the same thing because I had no clue of who he could be, I felt like a monster again, that might be a part of me, but with all my courage left I asked him: "I'm sorry but who are you?" After saying the last word, I regretted so much my sentence, I regretted so much staying alive, not too long ago he was smiling like a little child and now it had completely disappeared, he looked broken to the deepest of his emotion, I felt like I was about to break in tears too because I regretted all, now then I felt like his sadness was shared with me and that made my feeling of being a monster go away. Now tears were running down on both of our cheeks, and it was both because of me, I was a cause of pain, that was probably why I really wanted to committ suicide. "You... you don't remember me?" His voice was cracking so much at one point that I could understand that he was really hurt by my words, his voice which was loud now became broken and I could not support that, that in few minutes I would destroy someone's happiness. Instead of answering him, knowing that I could hurt him even more, I continue crying and crying under my blankets, I could not handle seeing him eyes to eyes I did not find the strength to. He understood that I would give no answer so he left the room slowly when I could always hear him sniff and ripe his tears away. Nobody returned back in the room, it was actually a blessing because I really did not want someone seeing me in this state and have pity on me, I wanted to stay alone to make something clear in mind. I did not sleep all night on and I was pretty sure that everybody who came in noticed that but would not say a word. I really was hoping that the therapist would come that day, he was actually the only person I wanted to talk nay see, so I waited all day long for him to come but he would not appear and it was already four in the afternoon. I forced myself to eat this morning and at noon which surprised the nurses, they looked at me as if they were sort of proud and I hid it but I hoped they would take it as an excuse. One more hour passed and the therapist would not show up yet and I would fall asleep consumed by the tiredness of that night. Few minutes later I felt shaken gently, and I opened my eyes to let them see the therapist trying to wake me up, if I was not that tired I could maybe give him a smile but as I am, I could not. He stood up to his normal position and I tried to sit on my bed, as usual, he would greet me just by saying 'Hello' but that day... "Good afternoon Charlie" Charlie, I repeated to myself, I was really glad I finally found out what my name was and I could not tell that that was only the beginning of what felt for me like the new me. "Good afternoon doctor" He turned around to face me with a really surprised expression stuck on his face and he tried to form a sentence which was: "Did you... did you... just.. just answer me? -I'm human doctor, I'm sure you know that, I replied with a little laugh not hearable. -Since I came to teach you this is the first time that you actually spoke. -I know doctor, I know. -Why did you suddenly want to have a speak with me? -That's funny, I thought you would actually ask why I didn't before. -I don't exactly care about the past, I'm pretty sure the future is way more interesting. -We all have our own way of thinking I guess. -And you guess right Charlie, so tell me why do you suddenly speak? -I wanna get better. -And why is that? -You know, the real reason why I wouldn't is because I had no reason to want to get better. -And so you have one now? -I don't wanna hurt the people who know me, I don't know from where they came to visit me and hoped to see me healthy and then discover that I don't even remember them. That's so heart breaking doctor, I can't handle something like that and I ain't, whatever it takes I wanna remember them back. -It's understable but it could take a lot of time according to your will power. -Please, help me so that it can work as soon as possible, I'm determined as hell and I ain't gonna give up. -That's the spirit we will need, believe me, I'm gonna do my best. -Will I get all my memories back? -I can't promise you that you will get them to the totality but at least the necessary." I guessed that whatever my will power, my determination and all that, I would probably not get the totality of what I was searching for, and that was no problem for me because I was going to get all them back anyway and there is no other ways.
After opening my eyes to leave the nightmare of only seeing black and darkness, all I could see right there was white. White wall, white blankets, even white bed, where was I? I felt lost, as if I was there but unconsciously not, I felt like I was the only person left on earth, why did I feel that? I dunno. I could barely see anything but I know that few seconds after waking up, someone entered in my room and tried getting closer to my bed, but the nearer she got the more tired I got. I finally closed my eyes completely not knowing what was happening around me, I heard a feminine voice calling a name that I did not remember while something shook my body as if it was trying to wake me up again. I could not think anymore, my body would not move and I did not know what to do, so finally my mind blacked out and I got back to my nightmares.
I felt then more comfortable, I was not energised but I was neither too tired, for some reasons I felt like I was sleeplessness but that was okay for me. Some people were around me, they looked like nurses and a doctor, and that was actually what they were, I looked at them nonchalantly, they did not realise yet that I was awaken and I did not care neither even if they did but I really wanted to know where was I. The doctor finally turned towards me and within a second his face got really really pale, he looked surprised, his eyes looked like puppies', and if I was not in what looked like a hospital and I do not know why I was there, I would think that his face was cute, but I did not. I did not have any force to talk or even to move, it seemed like it had been for years that I was there and that made me uncomfortable, finally with a little courage I asked: "Where I am?" My voice was shaking because I used all of my strength in that question, and when I did the doctor was more surprised than ever. "Don't you remember what happened?" What was I supposed to remember to? I could not ask it anymore but I made a surprised expression which, I thought, would make the doctor understand that I was lost. But instead of answering me back he sweard to himself: "Jesus, this is more complicated than I thought" And he left the room without even giving a look at me, and then one more time I really felt lost and lonely, my tears started to run down my cheeks and I started to be out of breath, it seemed like I was personally dying but nobody was there, and I did not care, why the hell I am here? I needed so much to talk to somebody but I was alone and even if there was someone, I am pretty sure I would not be able to say even one word. Tears began to be harder and harder and before I would even know, I fell asleep again.
It had been now a week since I woke up, more and more people started to visit my room to check up on me, I would wake up late and see some doctors around me analysing something, nurses forced me to eat so I started to, I thought I ate once a day because I could not handle too much food or I would throw up everything. I observed every move of every people coming in and out of my room, I could now move a bit but I could not speak out loud yet, I really wanted to know the reason of my presence but every time I spoke, nobody would hear me because it was too low so I gave up on that, it was no use. So that was what I lived everyday [waking up, see nurses and doctors checking up, forced to eat once a day, wanting to say something but is not able and getting asleep] for one month. I discovered by then that I had wounds, on the belly and the back, on my right leg and on my neck, I also had few bruises, I really wondered what happened but I could not get the answer and that was really disturbing myself. But finally two days after, I was released of the plasters wrapped around my wounds and I could finally move freely. My voice got louder and louder but I would not dare speaking until it got normal and so that I could ask all my questions until one day, and when it was the day, I was really excited that I would finally got all my answers and so I waited the first doctor to come in, what happened three minutes later. He entered and looked at me, he greeted me like every mornings even he knew I would not answer, except this day. "Good morning doctor." He turned back in surprise, it was actually understable since it was the first time he heard my voice in his long life, and I could say, he looked like an sixty years old man. "You... you can speak?...He asked hesitantly. -I can, I said, but I can also ask questions and you can answer me." He looked at me seriously, I was really willing to get my answers and I would, I am sure he knew that, he looked in my eyes fiercely and when he got calmer he announced: "Ask away. -Where am I? -I am sure you know that it is an hospital, ask something more interesting because it is a waste of time. -Then why am I here? -I am sure too you noticed your wounds. -How did I get them? -It's... it's really complicated. -I said it to myself, I am willing to get my answers doctor, and I will. -I am sure you will, for now it's just really not the best moment to. -Why do I have to stay here? -Listen~ -No, I interrupted, with all my respect, if it was really because I got wounds that I stay here then I don't think I should be here anymore. So tell me the real truth, why am I here? And don't play dumb with me. -Hmph... you are really a difficult person, you know that? -It seems really important so I need to make sure I look convincing. -Yes I think in the same way. -Don't bite around the plot. -Well... if you are here, it's because of plenty of reasons. -List them. -Believe me you don't want to know. -Believe me I do." He started to hesitate if he was going to answer or not, what I was only sure of, is that he was going to deal with me I did not know why. "Okay, let's make a deal" Told me. "I will tell you when I will finish the chemotherapy of your neighbour just two walls after."
This sentence blocked me for days and days, it got me dispiritedness, how could I not think that other people might be more injured than me and I would only think of myself? I felt like a selfish monster and I was sure that that what I was, that what the doctor meant by 'it's a waste of time', for God's sake, every seconds count for him and I just wasted his time while he was supposed to save lives, was I an heartless person? I dunno. I stopped eating everyday since then, I ate once in three days, and I would barely eat soup, the only thing I wanted to eat. The doctor stopped checking on me, and when few days passed, I was physically getting better but mentally getting worst and worst every night, I would have nightmares of someone dying in front of my eyes and I would watch that person die in struggle and pain but I kept myself not helping him, I would see myself being a monster and watched that repetitively in each nightmare. When I woke up, nurses came everyday near to me to calm me down, I did not answer them and I kept myself destroying my own mind with those creepy dreams. They were haunting me even to the bottom of my mind, they were controlling all over my body, I did not want and I could not speak anymore again, I did not want to eat neither, I constantly had headaches and it would not stop but just getting worst every second. And that kept me drooling over and over for at least three weeks, and started to worse my physical body but I would not pay attention to it because I was too absorbed by the nightmares. Finally after five weeks of waiting, the doctor came back to check on me, when he then first saw me he looked as if he was going to faint, probably shocked by my entire state, and I could understand him... "Oh My God, what happened? He asked so much disappointed. -That's not important doctor~ -For Jesus' sake, it is! What happened? -I am sorry, I started to cry, when you talked to me about the neighbor there I was feeling like a monster, I wasted your time when you could have used it to save lives, I feel so guilty... and now.. and now I wasted your time again because I am getting worst when I should have been a lot better. -Don't blame yourself, I know you were just curious. -But~ -There is not buts young lady, now, he said while he gave me some tissues, I promised you I would tell you why are you still here. -Thank you so much doctor. -Come on, firstly, your wounds are well right now, on the outside, but in the inside you are... weak... and we can't let you go like that. -That's why I always feel hurt sometimes... -Yes, you should also know that we don't know yet from where did you get all those wounds but I can tell you that.. -That? -You have amnesia." Amnesia. I did not remember anything back then, and this is why I could not, maybe when I woke up, I also woke up from coma, but if I did not remember anything then, not even my name nor my family... that was.. really heart breaking... I looked even more like a heartless monster, I was and I would always be. "And how is the neighbor?... -She died yesterday." I wanted to dig a huge hole and threw myself there just because that is what I deserved and that was only the beginning, I felt guilty again, I had to take her revenge and getting myself as hurt and in pain as possible, it is my stupid fault, I did not want her death to haunt me... I was a damn monster.
My first story's name is 'Life after life', I would be lying if I say that it is not a philosophic history, I don't know much about how people usually die but I know for sure that the last moments before they die will be the most memorable memories for everybody. Well as the story will continue, I am sure (I hope) you will understand why I took that name for the story, it's actually the one which was the most beautiful and described very well what I wanted to write about. Since I'm just beginning, it will take me time to write the chapters but as soon as I finished two, I will publish them. I am willing to finish this story first before thinking of writing others even though I already have the ideas of what I will be writing. Most of my stories or maybe all of them, will be very deep into digging the emotion but I will try as well writing, comedy or just funny stories.
With hope you'll love my stories, Enjoy the first one :)